My life has gone something like this:
Why are you crying? I don’t know.
Why are you mad? I don’t feel mad.
What’s going on with you? I’m not sure.
Do you want to talk about it? I don’t know what to say.
This has been so frustrating for me, and I doubt that it’s been easy on those I choose to be in relationship with.
Why is this? Where does this start?
I’m sure it began in childhood with the way that my parents interacted with me. My emotions were often shut down, and I was not allowed to express them. I was told not to “cry about it” and “I don’t want to see that bottom lip quivering”. It’s so natural for us to emote that when shut down, those feelings go deep inside and can fester and change who we are.
To have a better relationship with myself and my emotions, I get out the journal and start writing. I often struggle to find words for my feelings, but as I keep writing, those words come. Journalling has opened up so much for me, and by allowing my feelings and thoughts to come up, I process them and allow them to drift off. I say goodbye to them, then start to work on the next set of feelings.
It often feels like this is a never-ending process. New issues crop up (it feels like almost daily!) and there I am again writing about them. I used to wonder when it is ever all done so I could just live a great life. The truth is that it’s never done. We’re human and in relationship with others, so there’s always more “stuff” that comes up.
Having a daily practice of writing the issues out does 2 things. It clears the way to have happier days, and it stops the feelings from building up into a volcano that erupts when a small instance triggers them.
I’m with you in Spirit as you continue to process out your emotions. It is a rewarding experience to understand yourself better, and it leads to great relationships that I know all of us want.